Lesson 48: ME

I am coming to terms with who I am.

uniquely me

As I write this I know I am putting it all out there which is something I tend to veer away from. I share but not enough to let everyone in – because I don’t want too much information to be given, enough to make those who read have any more than just the tiniest sliver of the me that I like to keep for just me…safe

You know…safe…hidden…just my thoughts that no-one else can hear

Today, however I don’t feel like hiding from this piece of writing…I feel today for some reason it needs to be written – I know I am not alone in these thought crevices so here it goes and please …I want no response for my thoughts only of your own experience in this place if you choose…

I have never enjoyed the printed image of me

I judge it from a place of criticism and disappointment

I see these images from a place of the criticism of others and so I recoil from most images that house me within them. There are the odd moments when I feel I can allow an image which has somehow made me look more okay…I can endure it…most I simply delete

I am generally dissatisfied with most parts of me

Don’t get me wrong I don’t hate myself or even feel that under confident but I don’t exactly think that much of what I have in terms of attributes, characteristics, skills or talent

I have always felt someone else has more and that what I have is less than average on many levels

I realise sitting here today that this is so very sad

I have been sad

I must make my Creator, Abba Father deeply sad

It needs to end

I need to love who I am

This is the only me I get

I want to wholly embrace who He made me to be

The nose that I had wished to be smaller and more petit is the nose He chose for me.

Perhaps it has kept me a little more humble and it is a good nose regardless of its form.

The little and not so little bulges around my middle – they are there – He didn’t put them there…I take full credit for that but I will love the fluff. It is part of who I am right now.

My knock knees, my curly toes, my thin lips, my less than dainty hands, my thin hair, short eye-lashes, scars, stretch marks (I give my two beautiful children credit for those) and a few rather more unmentionable areas…

I thank my ADONAI Elohim for those He chose for me and those He knew would happen over time.

I am Michelle

This is what I look like

This is how I sound

This is how I write

These are my thoughts

These are my flaws

I embrace all that is me

I must

If you want to you can – if you don’t that is entirely your decision

It won’t change who I am

I don’t want to change them

Not anymore

I want to be this person

Fully be who I was designed to be

I want to love this body

Regard it with respect and treat it as such

I want to love and laugh about the things that make me uniquely me

His design is without error – His plan created before the beginning of time

I want to sing because I can

And it makes me happy

Dance because I want to and I can

Not because I am that good at it anymore

Write because I love to

And let’s face it – it does keep me out of trouble…

 

This life needs to be lived loving who we are and who we will be if we can do that.

Starting now…

Advertisements

19 comments

  1. Hey Mich! Great to see you, in all your glory, back with us. I think that many, including myself, have issues with the way we appear when we compare ourselves to others. Truly, though, God don’t make shit. When I get the guts to look at myself in what I think would be His eyes, I see something and someone very different. I see the perfection I can be if i can reach it. I also see the games I play and the bull**it I believe. It is very humbling to look at yourself with the truth Mich – humbling and yet brilliant at the same time.

    I wish you the very best and I know you will be fine.

    Excellent Post Mich. Thank you for sharing.

    1. Hi Paul – so very true – He does not make anything inferior or less than. I am good Paul – thank you – I think turning 40 has definitely brought on some introspection and reflection time.

      We can become who He has intended for us to be – step 1 is really looking at where we are at and being brave enough to face the stuff we don’t like and to accept all that we are in Him and through Him – because that is the only place we can find contentment in who we are as His creation.

      Thank you for your encouragement and reading my ramblings! 🙂

      1. … you know what hey – that turning forty thing has A LOT to do with it. I joke rather too frequently at the moment that I am in my mid life crisis. I am. But – KNOWING it – I am beginning to be able to enjoy it- It is a weird thing…enjoying a mid life crisis!!
        It really means I get to drink like a fish,(that would be half a glass a night MAYBE – heavy stuff dude!) except you see – I can control it better than when I was 20 and so enjoy it so much more! LMAO.
        But I am missing the drugs and the hot young men. hahahahahahaha.
        Yes – I know this is very superficial – that is the point.
        We have kinda found our way through all that and now… where too? Post marriage bumps, post child baring – post partum – post tiny tots – post – (ok I am getting depressed now)
        Post – posting blog posts! Tee hee.
        And now what? Now we live – a different way. WIth oh so much more many wonderful things to look ahead too.
        Sorry – I simply JUST cannot be too serious anymore… I may go insane if I am. SO – I jest regarding just about everything – be careful to take me too seriously babes.
        You know – I should probably just go write something 😛

        We need a freaking epic rocking party hun – screw the tea and cake – we need vodka and strippers. Again – I – am – kidding. (sort of 😉 )
        CHow for now.

  2. Michelle, reflecting on this, and back on another post I read in the last couple of weeks, I can’t help but ask this question: What if you were the very first ever woman created? Not Eve, but you? Formed from Adam’s rib, exactly as you are right now? Knowing nothing else about humans, their gifts or talents, seeing no other women ever. You are the template for all women to come.

    How would you respond?

    1. Wow – that’s cool Susan! I REALLY like that thought. Why do we beat ourselves up? We expect perfection – and sadly the world has made us seek it in all the wrong places and we forget to look at the places where GOD looks at us. CRAZY how we allow that to happen SO SO Easily. WOmen everywhere find themselves doing that too themselves – we wish we were more of everything. We think we are expected to be… frankly we grow up (especially in the last 80 yrs or so) being told if we do NOT fit the mould of being the everything super woman – we have failed somehow – and I will be blunt and blame feminist ideology for the pressures woman are nowadays dealing with.
      I tell you want – I was in a similar place as Michelle up until a few years ago.
      When I began to unravel where it had come from, I was able to begin to truly let it go and be the begin to become the woman I was created to be. NOT what society expects of me. All the flaws – all the gore – all the mistakes – all the inabilities – all the lumps and bumps and rashes and wishes and dreams and realities. It JUST does not matter.
      Love BOTH you ladies to pieces!! ❤

      1. Love you Bean and I so agree with your words too. I believe this place I am in right now is so good. I have to be here now – so many women (and men too!) come here and then hide from it.

        Love you two ladies too and you Paulie! ❤

      2. …by the by side – I LOVE that picture of you… and – suck it up babes – I used to walk in your shadow and worship you. FFS! 😉
        I KNOW this is not what you want – and it matters not how many people tell us we are good at this or that or beautiful or whatever – it is about WHAT we are decieved into seeing about ourselves… BUT
        You are a GREAT writer – a beautiful singer – a fantastic mother – an you have a VERY pretty face and STUNNING yes. And – those middle bits – that is actually what mums should have to make them a soft place to fall. Love you ❤

      3. Belinda is right Mich – that picture of you shows a very beautiful woman. I must say that there is a look of determination and power in your face that is in addition to the beauty. Very striking and very attractive.

      4. We’ve all been there. It wasn’t until I hit 40 that I realized I was never going to be perfect, never going to fit into any mold. Took me another decade and a half to discover I am His creation, unique and beautiful in His image. So sad we do that ourselves, when we could avoid the pain and see ourselves through His eyes. ❤

    2. Wow Susan – that is an incredible question. I will have to ponder on that for a moment.

      I would have nothing to compare myself to and so that would shift things dramatically…the responsibility to be at peace and delighted in who I am because I am created by the Most High God – so that all those who come after me would feel His delight in who they are – never doubting their value and character both inside and out…wow – that is a new post I think…

      Thank you for that Susan…I will be thinking on that for some time ❤

      1. I have to say…I am humbly blessed by you three…and the words of wisdom, love and encouragement – although I know you know that was not the point of the piece…but if I put it out there I must receive what comes with it…yes. 🙂
        I didn’t want 40 to be this thing where you look back and re-evaluate but it seems that it is kind of built into our systems – it must be God wanting us to re-direct, correct and just be – dance in the rain and be ourselves as He initially intended….
        Bean – you are a flippin rock star! You always have been…love you my friend! And Paul you too are a man of strength – I believe – beyond your own understanding
        Susan – you are a wise, gentle woman who quietly – without pomp and ceremony make us think a little further…
        Bless you all! ❤

Share your thoughts...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s